My Last Letter

I wrote this June 23, 1998. Dad died July 8. Those were some hard days.

Dad, Dad, Dad, I feel so helpless. I wish there was something I could do for you. I write these things to you because I’m afraid I would be too emotional in your presence, even now I’m teary eyed. I didn’t know I could hurt like this. This is new for me. I’ve been thinking back to when Grandpa died, I don’t remember how you acted at that time, but I know you must have felt like I am feeling now. I’m sorry you had to go through that.

Some things are etched in my memory… the phone call I got at work from Mom telling me there was a spot on your lung. The day we were there for your surgery watching the nurses wheel you away from us. You seemed so alone… so helpless. The day I called from the car phone to check on your lab results… Mom told me you only had 18 months to live. That was a Wednesday… I had to pull the car over. The look on yours and Moms faces at Mom’s 60th birthday party.

Perspective is such a funny thing. When they said you had only 18 months, I was shocked, 18 months is nothing. In February when you had to go back to the hospital and you looked so bad I begged the Lord for 18 months. Now when I hear that you are struggling to breath, I’m begging the Lord not to allow you to suffer.

When we were in Mexico last year and Julie was worried about our passports not being in order, Lauren said “Don’t worry Mom, nothing ever goes wrong when Dad is with us”. I believed that for a while. Now I wish it were true.

I’m sorry for the pain and hurt I caused you and Mom when Julie and I got married. I wish we had done it differently.

You have been a great father, I have no complaints. No bad memories. I’ve always felt loved. I’ve always respected and admired you. I think your best attributes are your love for Mom, your patience, your intellect and your great judgment.

You have always been around. I have always known that if I were ever in any trouble that you would be there. I want you to know that I will be there for our family. I will take care of Mom. I will take care of Grandma. I will do whatever I can to make our family closer.

I know you are going to Heaven Dad, if you can’t make it then none of the rest of us have a chance.

Thanks for everything Dad, thanks for our family, thanks for giving Mom the birthday party. Thanks for being you.

Love,

Rob